Gary Pooter and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone
by OXYCODONEFROG
Summary: Something I made for an 8th grade English course.  WARNING: Violence and sex changes


Gary Pooter and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone

Hi people! This is OXYCODONEFROG here with an old creative writing project that can be recycled into fanfiction! No, I do not own Harry Potter. All rights to J.K Rowling. Not me. So, without further ado, let the madness…

BEGIN!

(With deepest apologies to J.K Rowling)

Chapter one: A bunch of random crap happens.

Gary Pooter was an unremarkable boy in an unremarkable town, in an unremarkable country, in an unremarkable planet, in an unremarkable universe. He was short, at four-foot-three, had a shock of black hair, wore cheap, smelly clothes from the local Wal-Mart, and smelled like peanut butter and apples. The only remarkable things about him were his eyes; one green and one purple, and a thin, frowny-face scar on his forehead. At the tender age of one, Gary's parents died in a square-dancing competition.

"Stomped to death, the rednecks," said his constantly drunk uncle Vermin.

"Serves them right," sneered his aunt Pneumonia, whom made Fat Albert look like Petite Albert.

His sadistic, rather moronic cousin, Boodley, squealed "Ducky go bye-bye!" before grabbing a knife and stabbing the neighbors gorilla. It took the doctors twenty hours to reconstruct Boodley's face.

One day, cruel uncle Vermin decided to go to Zaire, in hopes that Boodley would feel normal amidst all the carnage. On the plane there, a smelly Boeing 747, Gary heard a tapping at the window. To his amazement, a giant panda (a giant amongst giant pandas) was throwing rocks at his window. He blinked.

"This can't be real," Gary thought. "Panda's don't fly, and- ooh! It's riding a moto-unicycle! Cool!" He turned and poked aunt Pneumonia in the arm. "Aunt Pneumonia, there's a giant panda outside on a unicycle." His aunt peered out, crushing poor Gary under her sweaty folds of flab.

"Boy, you be mixin you medications again!" snapped his irritated aunt. She hated to move. She smacked him in the back of the head. "Stoopid' foo!"

Later that night, in a little grass-and-mud hut, Gary lay awake. His eleventh birthday was coming. He looked outside. Yep, the dead-body clock said 3:42 a.m, Friday morning. Three more minutes till' his birthday. He hated his birthdays. His uncle and aunt only gave him one ice-cube and a bag of cheap, too-salty airline peanuts. He only liked one thing about them.

"One year closer to death," he murmured. Two minutes to go. What was that boom? Did the rebels loose an RPG? One minute to go. What was that thumping sound? Drummers? "Happy birthday to me," Gary said.

CRASH! Someone had broken down the wall! Shards of junk went flying everywhere.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout, this is my handle, this is my spout!" sang Boodley as he mutilated a pile of decomposing corpses. Uncle Vermin and Aunt Pneumonia came running into the main room.

Vermin screamed, "What the bloody Hell is going on in here! A low growl answered him. As the dust settled, Gary thought that he had mixed up his meds again. There was the giant panda again. Then, it spoke.

"Arr, make me cuppa' tea, willya'?"

There was a stunned silence. A giant panda, which does not exist in Africa, was in their hut. And it was talking. And it wanted tea.

"Tea…" breathed Vermin. "A giant bear wants me to make it tea…"

The panda spoke again. "Garr, make it, or your wife looses a lot of weight."

Aunt Pneumonia shrieked, jumped up, and exclaimed "Ooh, I want to be thin, I want to be thin!" The panda reared up (it was probably thirteen or so feet high) and tore off Aunt Pneumonia's head. As her head rolled into the shadows, she said "Well, that was unexpected, but effective."

Vermin bellowed, grabbed Boodley's knife (with Boodley still attached), and charged the panda. With one almighty stroke, it tore them into bacon bits. The panda sat down, sighed, pulled out a flash, drained it, and put it back before belching.

"Thank God that's over. Hey, Gary, want some gin?"

He said nothing. Staring at the bloody mess that used to be his foster family, Gary felt nothing. Then, he knew. He was FREE! Those gits were finally dead! He whooped. "Free at last, free at last, thank God I'm free at last!" Turning to the panda, he said "Thank you."

The panda waved a gigantic paw in the air. "Twas' nothing. Oh, sorry, I haven't introduced myself yet. I'm Gagrid, the gamekeeper at Fogsnorts. Gary, you're a witch."

There was a pause. Then Gary spoke. "Excuse me? Don't you mean wizard?"

Gagrid said "Blimey! Didn't you know that when someone is born in a family of wizards and witches, they're destined to magically turn into the opposite sex by age eleven! Take a look!"

Gary looked into his pants, stared, and then barfed. "God almighty, Gagrid, I don't want to be a witch!"

"Too bad for you, then!" exclaimed Gagrid. The panda then hit Gary over the head. Before he/she passed out, Gary heard Gagrid say "Happy birthday, Garry."

Chapter Two: The author got bored and ignored a bunch of stuff that happened in the book.

"You!" gasped Gary.

"Me." said professor Squirrel. He turned around and looked at a glass toilet. "This potty of Error is the key to passing the sorcerer's kidney stone," he muttered. Another voice, high and squeaky, like an unoiled gate, emanated from Squirrel's wool hat.

"Use the girl… Use the girl…" it rasped.

"You! Come here!" snapped Squirrel. Gary walked up to the potty. She looked in, and…

Nothing. She only saw her scared reflection. Then, her reflection winked, bent double, and groaned silently. Suddenly, Gary felt an immense object in her kidneys. "This potty gave me the sorcerer's kidney stone!" she thought. "Why couldn't it have just been placed in one of my pockets, instead of in my bladder? Urf."

Squirrel tapped his foot impatiently. "Well? Anything?" he spat.

Gary said, "I see myself winning the lottery. And getting to burn Dorko Mailfraud at the stake."

"Lies!" that harsh voice squealed again. "She lies! Let me see her… Face to face…"

Squirrel looked afraid. "Master, you are not strong enough. Let me exterminate the pest."

"Do it!" the voice whispered.

Gary watched in amazement as Squirrel removed his wool cap. He turned around, and Gary screamed. It was the face of Lord Duckmort, the most feared wizard of all time. Duckmort looked Gary over and commanded "My servant, remove the stone!" Squirrel turned around, and pulled out his magic finger.

Gary shuddered. "Ewwww, that's pretty gross. Don't you have any manners?" she queried, while pulling out her own magic finger.

Squirrel screamed, and shot a blast of green killing curse at her. She countered with a red-colored curse. Both opponents dodged each other's attacks. Squirrel shot out more killing curses. Gary kept on using her stupid little spell.

"Enough." Gary panted. "This will go on forever. We need to do something else."

Lord Duckmort's voice rasped "Squirrel! Challenge her to RPS: best two out of three."

They raised their hands up. First time, Gary lost. Second time, Squirrel lost.

"Nuts." Gary muttered as her paper was cut up by Duckmort's scissors.

"KILLLLLLLLL!" Duckmort and Squirrel screamed in unison, pulling out a knife and jumping up high. Gary thought that this was the end of the road, but then she remembered her mace. She caught Squirrel straight in the face.

He thrashed around with the knife, throwing it through Gary's arm. "Master!" he screamed. "Master, it burns! It burns!"

Duckmort screamed, "Kill the tramp! Kill her! Kill Kill Kill!"

He lumbered toward Gary, arms outstretched, but Gary pulled the knife out of her arm and stabbed Squirrel in the face, piercing his skull. The two evil wizards fell to the floor, dead as a doornail. Before passing out, Gary panted, "Well, that was an anticlimax ending."

"What's that golden glimmer?" Gary thought. Opening her eyes more, she saw that they were glasses. Headmaster Dabblebore's glasses. She screamed, threw a vase into Dabblebore's face, and pulled the sheets of her hospital bed around her.

"You old pervert!" she screamed. "How dare you—hey, where am I?"

Dabblebore's voice wafted up from the floor. "That's what I was going to tell you, until you so kindly assaulted me with that vase."

Gary blushed. "Oh… Sorry…"

"Happens all the time," chirped Dabblebore. Why else would my nose look so beaten-up? Anyway, Gary, you are in the school's hospital wing."

Gary interrupted. "The schools? Shouldn't I be in a proper hospital?"

A sudden crash followed after her words.

"It seems you've upset madam Palmtree." Stated Dabblebore. "These clones get more and more unstable every time you re-clone them. The original madam Palmtree died over a thousand years ago... Anyway, Professor Squirrel and Lord Duckmort are both dead. As soon as you're friends told me about what happened, I rushed down to the catacombs, just in time to see you faint. Three madam Palmtree clones carried you up here, before drowning themselves in the nearest bathroom. Aside from that, I must congratulate you, Gary. You did something that most full-grown witches and wizards couldn't do. Peace has again returned to our world. But, most importantly, did you learn any lessons, Gary?"

She grinned evilly. "Yeah. I learned that I have the sorcerer's kidney stone. That makes me the most powerful person in the world. I'll enslave you all!"

And with that said, Gary smashed through the ceiling, soaring into the great blue yonder. Dabblebore shook his wizened old head.

"Well, I learned that Gary mixed her meds again, and that we're all doomed."

Filled with that dreadful thought, Dabblebore went into the line of madam Palmtree clones, all waiting for a turn to jump out of the window.

END

(nobody was harmed in the making of this story)

/ Well, there's pulling something out of your ass, and then there's really reaching for it. This was in the eight grade, mind you. Annnnnnd, if I get enough good reviews for this, I might edit make a parody of the first book.

Later, peeps!


End file.
